I have to start sounding more positive than I seem.
I spent a year writing out my frustration for that missing part of my life. The act in itself hasn’t really lost any steam, and if I know myself it probably never will. I woke up this morning knowing, that I am going to spend the rest of my life fighting for this person.
I really think about it, and I know I’m an over thinker. But I know deep down, that I am going to sit there and send her a text or an email to ‘watch the show tonight’.
And I come from a ridiculously humble place. I don’t have a lot of material possessions, I live away from my family. I had a car that died beyond repair in a flood before it was handed to me to own for the rest of my life. I’ve never once had a moment in my life where I’ve had something to brag about.
I suppose I do now, if I can’t shut-up around people how great the panel show is coming along.
But I’m grateful for so much. Don’t take anything for granted (is the argument in favour of the word granted or granite with that expression? I never really bothered to find out.) During this year of trying to cope with the loss of the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with, I haven’t really done anything properly.
Well, I say that, but who knows how or what “properly” is with this stuff. I’m her biggest fan, She’s my one, my best friend. I don’t even know what she does now-a-days but I guarantee it’s something I know she’s always wanted to do, and all I can do is love and support her for it.
My problem within myself, is I am forever going to be doing everything at once. I spend all this time show running and writing and organizing speakeasy. Podcasts, art jams, career related stuff like a mother fucker. I’m happy with what I do every day. And while I do everything, I’m going to talk to her. I hear it’s a bad idea, but I don’t know. Hell, I know how much trouble I’ve gotten into already, and the only two people who read this blog on a regular basis (that I know of) are her and my roommate.
That bothers me a lot, but I know it’s going to happen all the time because this is a public blog and I’m an idiot for being so personal with it all the goddamn time. But if I don’t say anything on here, then those two will never know what’s really going on. But words will continue to not be said, and Joe will make no effort whatsoever into a half assed Valentine’s day, in which B will fall for, because well I don’t know, vanity is easy when it falls into your lap. Hrmm… I’m over thinking again.
I still remember every detail of our valentine’s day because of how much it meant to me. Right down to the home cooked meal, candle light dinner, and the beautiful fancy music I put on. Melts my soul over thinking about that.