excerpt from a book I’ll never write

If I wrote something, I imagine the audiobook version will involve a lot of me using unnecessary voices at odd intervals. One out of every fifth sentence will be mumbled or I’d go off on a tangent, and the odd chapter will be skimmed… or maybe I just won’t read the whole thing. So I’m pretty sure it would be a disaster unless I sold it for a dollar and we all found it hilarious.

Then I would stuff it in my resume for “voice-acting” purposes.

I don’t think I’d really know what I’d want to write about. An entangled mess of grammatical errors, and spelling mistakes never on the same topic. As if to just take the flow of writing sentences to a point where I just like seeing words fill the page. When I was growing up I liked the idea of speaking to people in as long a sentence as possible. Big words too. Which was funny, even if I never really understood what a word meant I knew the context of how to use it. So it was hard for me to explain to other kids the concept of sarcasm when I didn’t even know what it actually was at the time.

I think that’s what made me stand out as a child or made them think that I was smart. Taking the unconventional route… odd behavior was what I was good at. I don’t think my father ever liked it. He once got mad at me for the way I was playing pool in Cuba, saying I was doing it wrong. To be honest though, I just have a bad back and I didn’t want to bend down all the way. I happen to be pretty good at pool. Well compared to most people that aren’t good at it at all.

So the book right? I was always fascinated with the idea of writing one, but I don’t know what I would write. I also don’t know what I would read so I think the two things go hand in hand. I was at the book store today actually going on a bit of a search. The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell was what I was looking for. I don’t exactly know what it’s about, but it caught my attention on an episode of the daily show and I wanted to check it out. Apparently it was under history, but a part of me thought it was fiction. So maybe it’s fiction based on fact? I coined the word “faction” to myself for that exact meaning. So that’s what this book would be about: Faction, fictitious writing based on fact.

Then I think people would be under the impression that I would be writing bullshit things based on and around my life. I would be okay with that though, because I once told my girlfriend that I wanted a Fable written about me. Some sort of fancy tall tale that would be be ever so fantastical. presumably around the time that I’m dead, I’ll just get a paragraph or two written by my future child on whatever a blog of the future would be like. I’m assuming that everything will go back the way of photocopied underground zines. I’m pretty sure any child of mine would think that it would be cool.

So I when I was at the book store, aside from looking for the kind of book I would like to read. I wanted to get a book of crossword puzzles. I know people make fun of me for it, but I think that’s only because I started making fun of it. basically I’m becoming an old man. I’m 26 years old and pretty soon I’ll need reading glasses, a rocking chair, and a wool sweater. To enjoy simple pleasures is what I’m starting to enjoy, but I only think that’s because I want to spend less time in front of my computer (the irony of me spending so many hours writing this). I like puzzles though, I would do them all: crosswords, wordsearch, sudoku, picross, tetris, bejewelled. Puzzles are my favorite. Growing up, I used to be so fascinated with wordsearches, so much so that I used to make my own. taking the free time I had in class to just come up with a theme, and the answers then put all the other letters around them. It was hours of fun. Other kids got hooked on it too and made their own. Look at me, always the trend setter.

Then a police officer stopped me on the skytrain asking for a ticket (which I fumble as I show him, I always seem to do that). The book of crosswords caught his eye and he asked about it.

Keep Calm and Crossword on?” He asked, as I searched for the pass. “Crosswords hey? How are you liking it?
Fine, it’s pretty calming.” I replied.
I always do those ones… on the 24.” This time he’s acting out with his hands.
Yeah, me too but I figured I’d get a book. This one is a New York Times though…” I Sulk a bit in my voice, He chuckles.
New York Times. that’s a little tough for my taste.
I know right? but I wanted to give it a try. It does say it’s 200 easy puzzles, so I’m taking it up on it’s offer.
I hope you enjoy it, I’ll just stick with the 24.” with his reply, he was off, “Have a good day sir.

A part of me wonders how that conversation could have went if I didn’t have a transit pass on me. I’m actually kind of happy it became a conversation piece. I suppose, a good idea for writing a book is to carry it around and talk about how ‘I wrote this, and it’s really so cool. You should probably ready it for yourself.’ ignoring the fact that always walking around with my own book seems a little narcissistic.

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