blog about it later, indeed.
(Actually that feels like an ironic statement, if future employers were to google my name and find this blog post. Would my face be red?)
The weather today seemed very befitting to the state of where I find myself. I suppose some people think that the weather is usually intertwined with how their life seems to be going and I’m probably no different to think that way. Though, there I was wandering the streets, umbrella in hand passing out resumes like a man on his last legs. I’m current sitting here in a blanket and tea in hand hoping not to get sick so I can do it all over again tomorrow.
The Jyst of this story is that I need money. The explanation in this letter is how I’ve spent my time trying to get it as an actor/writer/entertainer and how ridiculously hard it is to do so when you’re on your own, so it goes as follows…
If you notice the link at the top of this post, I put something up on Bandcamp as a means of actually testing it out for myself. Tangoshimaru was something that was well worth my time in creating, so much so that I didn’t want to just release the thing for free, but I felt as though it would suffice as a video on the youtubes, which doesn’t make it so much a video as it really is just all about the audio. The plan was that I have to start recognizing my own self worth. Which is why there’s a donate button on the side.
What people don’t know is that I’ve been doing this stuff for years, supplying entertainment without demanding pay. I’ve always believed that I should never charge for the things I do, but my self worth would come from the people who enjoy the things I do, and everything would come around. But I would never (or rather, could never) ask for anything in return. As it goes, I am humble and what makes me a volunteer rather than self employed is that I could never decide how to put a price on my work. Which is why I’ve helped a friend build MysteriumTheatre.com at no expense at all. Which is ironic because at first I was promised pay, but I just sat there and watched that pay fly out the window, and am just given a free viewing of the show instead. I can’t afford to let that happen, but I did.
The Bank has been on my case because I could no longer keep up to making payments on my Visa. The best deal that they could make, is to have me pay the largest sum of money as possible which is completely beyond my reach, or I probably have to answer to some legal department, or lawyers or something… I had this conversation with my mother on Sunday and she assures me that I won’t be sent to jail. Although I wouldn’t put it past them if I all of a sudden was. To be honest, the man was trying to help me out, and I’d like to think that I’m doing my best over here, save for the past two weeks that I couldn’t make any payments. So he got a friend of his to demoralize me over the phone and let me know just how pathetic I probably am. Which again, I wouldn’t put it past him. But it’s really hard to talk about my situation without getting heavily depressed / have a vietnam flashback. Regardless my savings appears to be frozen indefinitely until I can give the man the answer he wants to hear.
But you know, this is all shit that I did to myself. I put a lot of blind faith in my career over the past year. Because the year before that is [completely off the record for the good of well-being, ergo will never be talked about]. I have given in to a lot of things about the internet, (and I get sickened by the idea of pandering, But..) I find myself making videos on Youtube for the sake of getting hits. Or blogging about anything to get a little attention. Maybe a pat on the back, or a lot of followers that think this stuff is a good idea and I can start making Ad space for revenue. (although the dream would be doing the ads in my own fun little and creative way that we’d all be down for.) Efing Media was actually the best thing that I came up with, but could never continue it because that’s just when I no longer had the money to keep it going. It’s terrible because it was reaching that broader audience and getting a name for itself. I keep thinking I’ll be able to get it back up any day now, and really work at it enough for it to regonize income, for I seem to be putting so much on my plate for the sake of my career.
The reason I say ‘Dear Employer’ at the top of this blog is because that’s what each and every single one of you people reading this are. I am being paid by your attention. This isn’t some blog that I’m only writing for friends to read. This is a much larger scale, because all I ever want to do with my life is be an entertainer and nothing else. But alas it’s hard to entertain on a constant, when I have no flow. So the blogs, the videos, even this bandcamp thing are part of a realization that I have to start sticking my hat out so you can put some spare change in it.
I was told that if you like something enough you would share it with others. Which is why there is ‘like’ and ‘tweet’ and ‘share’ buttons at the bottom of these things. I’m reluctant in asking that the ball be in your court, but in doing so, I can only promise better content. If I had 1,000 viewers and all they had to do was give me a dollar each, I would be able to survive. Hell, viewership alone can be put on my resume in this day and age. I have the prospect of a show that I can actually work on. But there is no stability. Frankly I’m going to find myself on Indie-a-go-go, because if you scratch my back. I scratch yours. And the mentality behind Indie-a-go-go or even Kickstarter, is that if you are donating money to this cause, you are getting something out of it in return. Money begets content, and I’m sorry to go all business here, but this is the reality. All of your favourite ‘internet celebrities’ go through these motions all the time, even the ones that just sit there and talk about nothing. It’s really hard to not look at this and not think I’m desperate. But if I want to keep being creative and supply content, it really has to come from you guys. I’ll reiterate, in doing so I promise content. You can buy, the song off of bandcamp, you can donate money through paypal. You can tweet this, like this and share this, with anyone and everyone. You can look for everything else I’ve done and see if it’s all actually worth your time.
Any money I receive will not only go towards my survival. But also towards future projects like, Unman Tir, InVertigo, Fight music for the bedroom, OMiTACO, Efing Media, Ghost Chair (hopefully), Socialite, TVOTI (tv on the internet), TL;DL Podcast and many other things. Content that will be fuel-ed by you, my employer.
This is not a blog about me giving up in life. (because I’ve done that before and it’s never a good idea.) This is blog about recognizing my self worth and achieving it accordingly. I will still continue to audition, be an extra, and look for a normal job. But this? All of this is for YOU GUYS. It is my full time work, and I really want to keep it like that.
You’d be much more fun to work for anyway.